2025.september.17th

God

   Roses are Red ,

    Violets are Blue, 

Your God is خدا

    My God is יהוה

   Thus ,

    we can't be one.  

should I keep going?

 Should I keep going in my quest of finding love? 

I dont think so , tbh. I have tried for years to love , to be good , to obey and to be perfect , in return for abuse , cheating , sa and more abuse. 

What's the point of me trying to love , if every time , the little shards -that remain of me - get broken and crushed even further . Whats the point if in the end all I get is pain and fear and trauma? 

I do not think I should keep on going anymore , I think I should bury myself in studying and taking care of my own wellbeing , instead of trying to love those , who for one don't deserve it and end up hurting me tremendously , and also are unloveable people. I need to accept the fact that I cannot change people, I need to find the strength to keep my head up , whilst being all alone. I need to learn how to be alone , to bloom all alone. A.L.O.N.E  , without people , without pets , without anyone or anything. I need to learn to accept loneliness. 

If I keep on going , I know I will end up even more sick and become someone I totally don't recognize.

I barely recongize myself now ... Who am I ? Like literally , I haven't thought abt it , but tf , who the hell am I ??????? WHO AM I ?? WHO???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I am lost. I need to somehow learn to shut my emotions off , I think. 

Probably , it's for the best:) 

A letter to my ex ( i sent this months ago) , late may of 2025

 For my boy, 

!!!READ THIS TROUGH , PLEASE!!!

THIS IS NOT A BREAKUP LETTER! THIS IS JUST MY FEELINGS , I AM SO SORRY FOR MY FEELINGS , BUT I CAN NOT HELP 

MY FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS.

(please do not yell at me)

I am sorry that I haven t been myself for sometime now , but I ve been thinking . About someting deep...

I faced with going against my morals , or my relationship. And I need to decide , before I can t anymore. 

I always have and will believe you , your side of the case.I never doubted you for a second. But how can I explain it ?

When I cant even explain it to myself. I often ask myself if I am crazy for going against my morals , because I know 

you did not do it , but the courts/papers say otherwise. And thats what people believe... 

Thats why I have been a bit more silent lately. (besides the fact that my chest feels like it exploded).

I DO NOT WANT IT TO BE EVER OVER BETWEEN YOU AND I , I feel something I ve never felt with anyone in my life before, 

something unexplainable , like I am drawn to you , I do not know why . I feel safe , I can be vulnerable with you,

i feel protected , and loves a bit , or maybe I am just a dumbass for loving. 

Seriously I do not know why I feel for you , 

how is it even possible for me to love someone like you... Someone who got 3 years... for ca, something i myself hate

more than anything. 

You are probably wondering why I have to choose between you or my morals , but the thing is that I might have to say 

goodbye to half of my career if I wish to stay with you. And this is not an easy choice for me .I already gave up going

to the states , because no way they would let you in, and i wish to be with you, wherever life takes me. I HONESTLY WISH 

you would have killed another man , rather than those ca charges.

I mean look, imagine if you were a parent , would you ever take your child to a doctor who s husband had a charge of ca? 

Wouldn t you think that she might've agreed with what her husband did... 

And no , this will be known, this will rise to the surface one day, because nowadays they check pediatic docs like

hell to make sure that they aren t p***s, or anything bad . I mean it do be reasonable asf. 

I honestly feel that it is pointless to only do adult medicine , if i study so much , than why not complete it? 

I would lose half of my dream , and I want to complete both residencies. 

But if i lose you , than I lose what i ve always been craving, a loving man...You are not perfect , however

And there is nothing, noone that can replace you to me. Only you can be you, and I never want to lose you. 

You are incredably precious, and you mean much to me. 

I need you , I need you, I need you; your care , company , presence , support ,  humor , being , existence, protection , 

stability, trust , emotions, power, control, worht , confidence , etc...

I don t ever wanna lose you , i just need time, to fight with my thoughts a bit. 

Last Letter ( that I wrote to my ex ) , late july of 2025

 Mr. g 

Please read this : 

As much as I love you , this ends now,today,from tomorrow we are nothing but strangers with a past together.

Today you managed to cross a line I never thought you would.I lost all hope in you. I regret never listening to  

all the people who told me to leave you , I should have listened. I should've never given you another chance.

I realise how cruel and heartless you are as a person. 

There are just no words to explain the pain I feel.

It's quite ironic how my dying father sat at the kitchen table at midnight , while I asked you questions

and he was trying his best to give you advice for your *********...

But when I found out that you have insane connections to one of the best pharmaceutical companies , and all I asked 

of you was to ask a simple question regarding your father in law , you replied with " I will ask at christmas", 

and then I attempted to ask you to please send a private message , but I got the same reply. And thats when it truly hit

me that you never really loved me , because if you did , then you would have asked , knowing how much my father means to 

me and how I feel regarding his terminal illness...How much of a failure I am.

Even though he hated our relationship , he did not only help you because he is a doctor , but because he knew how much 

I loved you, and that's why he helped you as soon as he could , even though he is tired and dying he still helps people, 

it just shows why he went into the profession.   

And he did not only help you , but accepted you. Despite me telling him everything and him hating all that he heard , he

still loved, and accepted you . And that is the saddest part. 

You know I really do not care if someone hurts me , or uses me , abuses me or disrespects me , but one thing I will 

never tolerate is someone disrespecting my parents , especially my father. 

And honestly I am glad that you are not close to your nephew or niece. I mean how 

can you look at such a bundle of joy and say respond (to being asked whether you want to hold him ) "only if I am 

allowed to drop it". That just goes to show how cruel you are. You say that about your own blood, and refer to him 

as "it". 

How can you be so cruel? 

So yes Mr.G*** , it is over forever . Move on , find a woman who is just as a cold and heartless like you. 

P.S: I would reccomend that you read that letter I sent in the post so that you could see the love that you took 

for granted.  

From someone who once loved you with all the remaining pieces of her broken heart, 

Ms.***

𝙛𝙞𝙣𝙞𝙨𝙝𝙚𝙙 𝙨𝙤𝙥𝙝𝙤𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙚𝙖𝙧(kinda) , 𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙢𝙮 𝙜𝙧𝙖𝙙𝙚𝙨

 I only have one more exam left in august to officially finish , but here arre my grades so far : 

Grammar: B 

Literature: C

English: A ( did it junior and senior year as well , and those were A's as well) Then I had my englsih exam ( kinda like gcse or sats ) and I got 97% on it (96% on writing part, 100% on speaking part).

French: B 

Maths: C 

History: B 

IT: A

Pe: B 

Chemistry: B 

Physics: A 

Biology : A + honor roles ( this is the only one I am somewhat satiesfied with ,I mean , we had human anatomy all year , so...) 

Geography: B 

Arts: A 

Behavior: C 

Diligence: D 

The reson why I decided to post this to kinda shame myself , cause these grades are just fucked , like fucked up bad...  Like come on, B in chem. :( yikes. I better get my shit together asap, like asap . Please shame me yall, I need motivation and shit . 

Have a happy summer  ,

Xoxo: Johi

Medschool books for free , free download , pdf

By Charles Catanese, Brian Heaton- Color atlaf of forensic medcine and pathology 
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1mjT2PEhhNNkmWgy9lJAR0flclB13O7yD/view?usp=sharing

histology: 
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1b2NGisuwErS5zb8GhO5s9dvpxlBKHu55/view?usp=drive_link

SH atlas: 
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1DDTc9SZSSM2mAJclEPWVG3wKm4zZewr5/view?usp=drive_link

Medical biochem: 
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1B9Wlv55nNS5-xgL-Dgf9LbFhRHjj40ic/view?usp=drive_link

Pathophysiology: 
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1B1rebwNbt6Cca_q8hk9zAj2lCMpeqlba/view?usp=drive_link

·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙ ✩ *̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙

 ✧༺♥༻∞Dear friends! I am normal and recovered now. :)✧༺♥༻∞

I recovered from edi now , and I am no longer sick . yay. 

I still use laxatives , which ocassionally hurt , but its significantly better then it was. 

I dont even know how I got here , but somehow I did. I am so much better now . 

How did I recover? 

I got scared, i have a friend M ,  we spoke all summer long , and we got really close , and she helped me in my recovery. And same with A , she is like my grandma , and takes good care of me 24/7. These two women helped me to recover , and showed me that life really is worth living . 

Thank you M and A , I will forever be greatful for you. ♡

Dear Internet 2024/Nov/04

 Dear Internet! 

I think about recovery all the time. I want to get better so much. I want to no longer believe that my worth is determined by my weight. 
I do want to recover , but I don't know where to start or how to eat properly. 

ED, why ? Why can't you leave me alone ? Please leave me , please set me free. You don't make me happy and you pull me down and hurt me all the time, I am 24/7 disoriented and my mood is fucked up 24/7... I am so moody and I cannot control my mood . Whenever I say I have it under contol , I lie , I infact do not have it under contol. I want to die, whats the point anymore...

I feel like my only true friend is ED. It is there for me no matter what , the voice , even when my parents argue , it is there for me , unlike anyone else...

I hate school , ever since my chemistry teacher told me that my dad will die , so whats the point? I won't be able to save my dad...
I have lost all my motivation for school and for my studies. I hate my life. 

sophomore year

 Dear Internet ! 

i am back in school and I am already panicking. its so stressful and tiring. but I know that ill be all okay as long as I study hard and well.

My summer went horribly , I  got molested by a guy I was seeing.

I didn't recover , infact Igot much much sicker , I continued to throw up and I was so weak I could barely go outside or do anything. 

  

Life update 2024/07/19th

Dear Internet, 

I have finished my freshman year of high school. I got decent grades ; mostly A's , but I got a few B's here and there. 

By the spring semester , I was so fucking burnt out , and tired , like I barely slept more then 6hrs by late May , and June was hell... 

I am barely able to sleep more than 3 hrs a night. And nowadays I cannot go outside  unless I it is necessary , because I always feel like passing out when going outside , it is unbearably humid and hot. My grandma said : " It's like a hotpot outside". And I couldn't agree more , it is horrible. I still have a few memory fragments of  those summers when we were able to go out freely , and not sweat out asses off , and not feel light-headed all the damn time. This heat is brutal. 

I feel that this summer is the repeat of last summer ; purge , sleep , music , study, sso , ao. There is nothing to do. 

I still purge quite often , and my bowles feel like exploding , however my intestines don't feel like anything. I don't have much pain in my intestines , unlike in my stomach and bowels , ( tho my bowels hurt way more. It feels like there is a massive pressure build up in my bowels , and I feel like I am gonna explode. ) . 

I know that I ' ll never be able to recover , the max I could ever achieve is semi-recovery. :l

I  hope to study some more this summer . I need to start working on my SAT topics , and I need to start reading the books for next year, tho , I typically read the summary, and make my notes from that. I also need to work on my history topics too. 

My sister (of honour) told me that she no longer likes me , and that our values , and opinions , are completely different now , and she doesn't like my presence, infact she doesn't like anyone's presence , and that she needs time alone. This is crap , because we have know each other for 6 or even 7 years now...  

I have 0 motivation.  

anyways , love y'all and stay safe :)