2025.september.17th

God

   Roses are Red ,

    Violets are Blue, 

Your God is خدا

    My God is יהוה

   Thus ,

    we can't be one.  

should I keep going?

 Should I keep going in my quest of finding love? 

I dont think so , tbh. I have tried for years to love , to be good , to obey and to be perfect , in return for abuse , cheating , sa and more abuse. 

What's the point of me trying to love , if every time , the little shards -that remain of me - get broken and crushed even further . Whats the point if in the end all I get is pain and fear and trauma? 

I do not think I should keep on going anymore , I think I should bury myself in studying and taking care of my own wellbeing , instead of trying to love those , who for one don't deserve it and end up hurting me tremendously , and also are unloveable people. I need to accept the fact that I cannot change people, I need to find the strength to keep my head up , whilst being all alone. I need to learn how to be alone , to bloom all alone. A.L.O.N.E  , without people , without pets , without anyone or anything. I need to learn to accept loneliness. 

If I keep on going , I know I will end up even more sick and become someone I totally don't recognize.

I barely recongize myself now ... Who am I ? Like literally , I haven't thought abt it , but tf , who the hell am I ??????? WHO AM I ?? WHO???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I am lost. I need to somehow learn to shut my emotions off , I think. 

Probably , it's for the best:) 

A letter to my ex ( i sent this months ago) , late may of 2025

 For my boy, 

!!!READ THIS TROUGH , PLEASE!!!

THIS IS NOT A BREAKUP LETTER! THIS IS JUST MY FEELINGS , I AM SO SORRY FOR MY FEELINGS , BUT I CAN NOT HELP 

MY FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS.

(please do not yell at me)

I am sorry that I haven t been myself for sometime now , but I ve been thinking . About someting deep...

I faced with going against my morals , or my relationship. And I need to decide , before I can t anymore. 

I always have and will believe you , your side of the case.I never doubted you for a second. But how can I explain it ?

When I cant even explain it to myself. I often ask myself if I am crazy for going against my morals , because I know 

you did not do it , but the courts/papers say otherwise. And thats what people believe... 

Thats why I have been a bit more silent lately. (besides the fact that my chest feels like it exploded).

I DO NOT WANT IT TO BE EVER OVER BETWEEN YOU AND I , I feel something I ve never felt with anyone in my life before, 

something unexplainable , like I am drawn to you , I do not know why . I feel safe , I can be vulnerable with you,

i feel protected , and loves a bit , or maybe I am just a dumbass for loving. 

Seriously I do not know why I feel for you , 

how is it even possible for me to love someone like you... Someone who got 3 years... for ca, something i myself hate

more than anything. 

You are probably wondering why I have to choose between you or my morals , but the thing is that I might have to say 

goodbye to half of my career if I wish to stay with you. And this is not an easy choice for me .I already gave up going

to the states , because no way they would let you in, and i wish to be with you, wherever life takes me. I HONESTLY WISH 

you would have killed another man , rather than those ca charges.

I mean look, imagine if you were a parent , would you ever take your child to a doctor who s husband had a charge of ca? 

Wouldn t you think that she might've agreed with what her husband did... 

And no , this will be known, this will rise to the surface one day, because nowadays they check pediatic docs like

hell to make sure that they aren t p***s, or anything bad . I mean it do be reasonable asf. 

I honestly feel that it is pointless to only do adult medicine , if i study so much , than why not complete it? 

I would lose half of my dream , and I want to complete both residencies. 

But if i lose you , than I lose what i ve always been craving, a loving man...You are not perfect , however

And there is nothing, noone that can replace you to me. Only you can be you, and I never want to lose you. 

You are incredably precious, and you mean much to me. 

I need you , I need you, I need you; your care , company , presence , support ,  humor , being , existence, protection , 

stability, trust , emotions, power, control, worht , confidence , etc...

I don t ever wanna lose you , i just need time, to fight with my thoughts a bit. 

Last Letter ( that I wrote to my ex ) , late july of 2025

 Mr. g 

Please read this : 

As much as I love you , this ends now,today,from tomorrow we are nothing but strangers with a past together.

Today you managed to cross a line I never thought you would.I lost all hope in you. I regret never listening to  

all the people who told me to leave you , I should have listened. I should've never given you another chance.

I realise how cruel and heartless you are as a person. 

There are just no words to explain the pain I feel.

It's quite ironic how my dying father sat at the kitchen table at midnight , while I asked you questions

and he was trying his best to give you advice for your *********...

But when I found out that you have insane connections to one of the best pharmaceutical companies , and all I asked 

of you was to ask a simple question regarding your father in law , you replied with " I will ask at christmas", 

and then I attempted to ask you to please send a private message , but I got the same reply. And thats when it truly hit

me that you never really loved me , because if you did , then you would have asked , knowing how much my father means to 

me and how I feel regarding his terminal illness...How much of a failure I am.

Even though he hated our relationship , he did not only help you because he is a doctor , but because he knew how much 

I loved you, and that's why he helped you as soon as he could , even though he is tired and dying he still helps people, 

it just shows why he went into the profession.   

And he did not only help you , but accepted you. Despite me telling him everything and him hating all that he heard , he

still loved, and accepted you . And that is the saddest part. 

You know I really do not care if someone hurts me , or uses me , abuses me or disrespects me , but one thing I will 

never tolerate is someone disrespecting my parents , especially my father. 

And honestly I am glad that you are not close to your nephew or niece. I mean how 

can you look at such a bundle of joy and say respond (to being asked whether you want to hold him ) "only if I am 

allowed to drop it". That just goes to show how cruel you are. You say that about your own blood, and refer to him 

as "it". 

How can you be so cruel? 

So yes Mr.G*** , it is over forever . Move on , find a woman who is just as a cold and heartless like you. 

P.S: I would reccomend that you read that letter I sent in the post so that you could see the love that you took 

for granted.  

From someone who once loved you with all the remaining pieces of her broken heart, 

Ms.***