should I keep going?

 Should I keep going in my quest of finding love? 

I dont think so , tbh. I have tried for years to love , to be good , to obey and to be perfect , in return for abuse , cheating , sa and more abuse. 

What's the point of me trying to love , if every time , the little shards -that remain of me - get broken and crushed even further . Whats the point if in the end all I get is pain and fear and trauma? 

I do not think I should keep on going anymore , I think I should bury myself in studying and taking care of my own wellbeing , instead of trying to love those , who for one don't deserve it and end up hurting me tremendously , and also are unloveable people. I need to accept the fact that I cannot change people, I need to find the strength to keep my head up , whilst being all alone. I need to learn how to be alone , to bloom all alone. A.L.O.N.E  , without people , without pets , without anyone or anything. I need to learn to accept loneliness. 

If I keep on going , I know I will end up even more sick and become someone I totally don't recognize.

I barely recongize myself now ... Who am I ? Like literally , I haven't thought abt it , but tf , who the hell am I ??????? WHO AM I ?? WHO???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I am lost. I need to somehow learn to shut my emotions off , I think. 

Probably , it's for the best:)